Yes, I do kind of have a thing for anagrams

With apologies to my friend R. Noyes, who did this sort of thing first and better than I could have in his excellent piece, "The Dan Brown Code." I swear I wasn't trying to rip him off. Do check that link out if you get the chance.

A Significant Moment with Dan Brown and Tom Clancy

Jon Comas

“They’re trying to hide something, I know it.” Renowned author Dan Brown looked methodically and meaningfully at the book in front of him, a copy of Earth in the Balance by former Vice President and Tennessee Senator Al Gore. Then he looked to the right and then to the left and then at the book once more. Every one of these glances were very meaningful. He stepped toward the book. The book’s cover was smudged in a very poignant fashion.

“We can’t let them get away with this,” said Tom Clancy, best-selling author of gritty politically-themed books with American flags on their covers. “Those bastards.” Tom Clancy used swear words sometimes because really tough but pensive and complex people have to do that every now and then.

“But what can we do, Tom?” said Dan Brown. “This is Al Gore we’re talking about. The former Vice President and Tennessee Senator. The creator of the popular global warming documentary An Inconvenient Truth. We don’t have that kind of power, Tom.

“And,” he continued, raising his hand to his chin and looking away meaningfully in order to prepare himself to say something especially important, “this world is all about power.”

“Dammit, Dan. We have an enemy to fight,” said Tom Clancy angrily as he raised his standard issue Air Force watch (replica), to check whether it was too late to go home and watch Grey’s Anatomy. It was. Al Gore had screwed him again. “Can’t you see? The world is at risk. Al Gore will eat your children as soon as look at you. We have to act.

“Before it’s too late,” finished Tom Clancy, verbally implying a new paragraph for added emphasis.

“We have to figure this out,” said Dan Brown. Dan Brown took a step down the quiet and tense aisle. He continued to walk. The situation was very tense. Seriously, really really tense. Then he turned around. “What could this mean?”

“Aha!” said Dan Brown exclamatorily. “Listen carefully. I think I’ve discovered the secret. This will change everything.”

“Hurry, Dan,” said Tom Clancy. “We don’t have much time.”

“Look at the cover of this book, Tom.” Tom Clancy looked at the cover of the book. “Don’t you see anything peculiar?”

“I see a threat to everything we hold dear,” said Tom Clancy.

“You need to look closer,” said Dan Brown. Tom Clancy looked closer. “Look at the name on this book.”

“Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.,” said Tom Clancy. “But what could it mean?”

“Think, Tom! The world is at stake! We have to uncover this!” said Dan Brown.

“My God,” said Tom Clancy. “It’s—it’s so simple!”

“That’s right,” said Dan Brown. “So simple that no one else has figured it out. The letters in ‘Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.’ can be rearranged to spell ‘Radar Bong Jell Retro.’ They’ve been hiding this for decades, Tom. Presidents, dignitaries, popes—they’ve all been in on the secret.”

“Do you think it’s too late for us?” said Tom Clancy. “If they find out what we know—”

“We can’t take that risk, Tom!” said Dan Brown.

“But we can’t just sit here!” Tom Clancy exclaimed. “The blood will be on our hands if we do!”

“Do you have any better ideas?” Dan Brown asked dramatically and emphatically. Suddenly, an enemy betrayed a sudden cough.

“It’s them!” said Tom Clancy. “We can’t let them find us,” he growled in a tough and grizzled fashion. Tom Clancy pressed a button on his watch and a military helicopter launched a missile through the far wall of the paperback section of the Barnes & Noble. Dozens were killed. “This way!” said Tom Clancy. And just as the door to store broke open with an army of covert agents, Tom Clancy and Dan Brown disappeared into the smoke, taking their newly discovered world-shaking information with them. The secret would be safe for another day, but how long could they contain the power of “Radar Bong Jell Retro?” Not even Tom Clancy or Dan Brown could tell. Maybe John Grisham, though.